When Unbelieving Family Members Give You Gifts Anyway

by Stephanie A. Mayberry

One of the most common questions I get from Torah keepers this time of year is how to handle the gift-giving issue from unbelieving family members. 

What do you do when family members or friends want to give you or your children gifts around Christmas?

That is a very sticky situation and can cause a lot of conflict as we wrestle with what we know to be true and our own feelings for the people giving the gifts.

We have run into this issue as well. Some people take the stance of absolutely not, no gifts in December, and that is their decision. I am not saying it is wrong, but we take a different tactic.

This is my position, and we all agreed in our household that this is how we will proceed when encountering these issues.

I have one word for you.

GRACE.

I’ll walk you through scripture.

Everything we do is to be inspired and motivated by Yehovah’s love for us (1 Corinthians 16:14).

1 John 2:6 says that if we abide in Yeshua then we are to walk as He walked. Yeshua ate with lepers. He ministered to them. He ministered to people of all walks of life and was a living example for everyone, regardless of what they believed.

John 13:15 Yeshua said that He was an example for the disciples and they should follow Him. In fact, verses 1-20 give us a beautiful example of how to handle people in a somewhat similar situation.

Yeshua taught and ministered to all people who were willing to hear Him.

So, that is where we are.

The majority of people who give gifts during the holidays don’t mean it maliciously. It’s just their love language. To reject the gift is to reject them.

This stuff goes deep!

So, if we have a family member who is not keeping Torah, is still in the world, we have to see the soul and witness to the soul. By rejecting their gift (which is their love) we are rejecting them. Or that is the way they are likely to see it.

If we respond in love, we are gracious and accept it. We are to be a light.

Now, our rules are no Christmas wrapping paper or anything, nothing to indicate Christmas. Also, we don’t do anything on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

My mother sent us something and we got it about a week before Christmas. Any wrapping paper was disposed of – she doesn’t understand all of this so we just took care of it.

On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we treated it just like any other day. No acknowledgment at all.

We wrote thank you cards for the gifts, again, avoiding any mention of Christmas.

At the end of each card, I included Numbers 6:24-26.

The key is knowing then to stand firm and when standing firm becomes rigid to the point that it shuts people out and damages our witness. We are to draw people to Yeshua, not drag them by the hair and bludgeon them with the bible until they accept truth.

It is a fine line because there are people who will try to use the gifts as a manipulation tactic. They are malicious and deceitful, disrespectful of your beliefs, and will try to bully you into breaking covenant with Yehovah.

You have to shut that down and separate yourself from them – no matter what.

But there are others, probably most, who are not malicious, they are just imprisoned by their traditions and caught up in the things of the world. Most of us were at some point.

These people try to remember to respect your ways by addressing you properly, trying to avoid offending you with their traditions even if they don’t understand. These are the people who are just trying to say “I love you” is what is probably the only love language they know.

And the gift-giving is so deeply rooted in who they are and how they show love because they do not have Yehovah’s love in them. They don’t even know it.

When you have His love in you, it spills out in everything you do and say. You don’t have to do things to make people love you or avoid rejection because you stand firm in His love. That goes for family, friends, spouse, kids, you name it.

When you have His love in you, it is your identity. It is your foundation so the whole world can fall away and you will still stand. You aren’t so desperate to make someone love you or convince someone to keep loving you because the love you have in you keeps you full. Yes, the humans who love you are wonderful, but if it all goes away, you still have the love of Yehovah within you to sustain you.

THAT is what they don’t have and don’t understand.

So, you smile, say thank you, write a thank you note, and keep it separate from the actual day.

Pray that Yehovah uses the interaction to plant a seed. Use it to witness.

At the same time, guard yourself and your family. Don’t allow this to shift from you drawing them in to them pulling you back into the world. If your footing is not absolutely firm, you would do best to avoid it completely.

Set very clear, firm boundaries and stick to them no matter what anyone says or does. For instance, decide no gifts the week before or the week after Christmas. No holiday wrapping paper. No things that indicate your participation in the traditions of men. Pray about it, seek after the Holy Ghost, and find the boundaries that work for your family. But do not compromise them. Once they are in place, stand firm in them.

People get overwhelmed when they think that they have to give up everything at once. That this has to be one great, big change, instead of gradual growth.

That is what scares them. That is one of the biggest factors of their resistance.

But in Acts 15 it talks about leaders, including Paul and Barnabus working out how to effectively manage a Gentile church that had recently come to truth. They talk about starting small, with just a few changes.

Those small changes, coupled with a desire to be obedient and please Yehovah will inevitably lead to further growth. The more they grow and seek, the more they will learn through study, and the more they will come in line with scripture.

That’s true for anyone.

But I can’t stress enough, that it takes discernment. Look at the motivation. Are they trying to bully you or trick you into violating your Holy Ghost convictions?

Or are they just reaching out with love in the only language they know?

Love opens many doors. Love opened the door that led you away from the worldly traditions.

Pray for discernment. The Holy Ghost won’t steer you wrong. But if they are indeed malicious then cut them off completely. Separate yourself from them and do not look back.

Remember Lot’s wife. She separated from the world, but then she looked back. It didn’t end so great for her (Genesis 19:26).

You have to always, always choose Yehovah FIRST.

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Study:

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

1 John 2

John 13:1-20

Numbers 6:24-26

Acts 15

Genesis 19:1-26