A Hard Truth: You Can’t “Fix” People

Stephanie Mayberry

The world has twisted “love” into a godless, destructive machine, and what has sprung forth is the savior complex.

It is, unfortunately, very common in the church.

It begins with a genuine need – and a sincere perception of “love.” The person desperately wants to see their mother be saved, their child fall in love with Yehovah, their husband stop being carnal. But instead of being a light and sharing the gospel, then letting Yehovah do His work in the person, they decide that Yehovah needs their help, that He needs an assistant – that He isn’t doing His job well enough to suit them.

They completely ignore the fact that the person they want so badly to “fix” has free will.

And that brings us to the hard truth.

Some People Don’t Want to be “Saved”

Some people are just, for lack of a better word, messed up.

Is that harsh? Probably. Is it reality? Absolutely.

They have no desire to not be messed up. They are comfortable where they are. It’s too much work to do anything different.

They are broken, and you can’t fix them.

And guess what? It isn’t your place to fix them.

They are comfortable in their mess, their brokenness, their dysfunction.

Even if their words say they want something different, their actions speak volumes.

Change is Hard

In a nutshell, change is hard.

It is much easier to maintain the status quo and stay in the same place than it is to put forth the effort, energy, and discipline to make the necessary changes that would improve them – improve their life.

Change is harder than staying the same.

You can’t love someone into making the changes that are good for them. You can’t love them out of emotional immaturity.

You can’t love them into a life that is healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually.

In fact, in your desperation, you will likely end up doing the opposite of what you intend. Instead of inspiring them to stop their sin, you affirm it. Instead of calling out the lies and bringing them into the light, you validate them. Instead of stopping their destructive actions, you support them.

Is it intentional? Of course not. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is more often than not a byproduct of a person’s attempts to be someone else’s savior.

That’s because there is only ONE savior.

And you’re not Him.

Your Yehovah Assigned Role

When you step outside of your Yehovah assigned role, you step outside of the will of Yehovah. The result is an endless cycle of anxiety, fear, worry, discontent, and frustration.

Your determination, patience, and drive aren’t enough to bring them into the changes that they need.

You can’t do it.

And no, you are not “that special one” who “saved” them.

You aren’t the martyr. You aren’t noble.

You are just avoiding the truth that they have free will. They have the right to control their own life, and you don’t.

You are avoiding the reality that they are not capable of meeting you where you are –

And where they need to be.

Controlling People Makes You Their God

You can’t control people.

Even if they do change, they are changing for YOU, not the fact that they would be better, that their life would be better, that they would be healthier and happier.

If they change for YOU, then YOU are their god.

They may find their way, or they may not, but your enabling and control won’t help.

It will only keep them stuck.

Loving From a Distance

Sometimes, stepping away is the most loving thing that you can do. Give them room to fall, to fail. Let them pick themselves up instead of you always running to the rescue.

Stop running to them.

Stop trying to prove yourself.

Stop trying to prove your love.

Stop expecting things from them that they are not capable of giving.

Stop making excuses for bad or inappropriate behavior.

Pray for them, love them, share the gospel with them – but stop enabling them.

Enabling Them is Not Loving Them

Enabling is not love, and it’s time we made that distinction. It’s time to learn how to tell the difference.

The more you enable them, the more you prolong the lessons that Yehovah is using to grow them and shape them.

The more you enable them, the more space you create between them and Yehovah. Sometimes you just have to get out of the way.

The more you enable, the less able you are to live out the life and fulfill the plan that Yehovah has for YOUR life.

The Savior Complex is Toxic

You can’t buy their love by sacrificing yourself.

They are not capable of seeing the value of you, of your sacrifice. Their words may tell you that they do, but their actions don’t line up.

I have seen it far too often.

People are so desperate for their child, spouse, parent to stop some behavior, to “get saved,” or “live right,” that they stay right in the middle of it. They are so busy trying to fix it, fix the person, that they take over instead of letting Yehovah do His work.

They get between the person and Yehovah, often swooping in to be the savior, the one who “fixed” them.

Pride, lack of faith, insecurity, it doesn’t matter the underlying issue, the WHY of their savior complex.

What matters is that they are focusing on the other person and those faults instead of their own. They are so busy working on the struggles the other person has that they never get around to working on the ones that drive them to be someone’s god.

And they miss out on being a witness to people who are truly hungry for Yehovah.

Kill the Root of Enabling Behavior

They won’t kill the root of what is causing the enabling behavior, the control issues, the insatiable need to fix people and save them.

And if your flesh is jumping up right now, saying, “But they need me! They can’t do anything without me! They can’t be fixed if I don’t do it! Then YOU need to do some work on YOU. You need to identify the root of your savior complex and work on that.

If you have an overwhelming need to fix people, save people, and control people, then YOU are the one who needs fixing.

Only Yehovah has the ability to save anyone. That is why He became flesh and walked among us as Yeshua (John 1:1-14).

All you can do is tell them where to look.

And sometimes a relationship with them is not viable. It may be for a season. It may be forever. But if they become a spiritual liability, then it’s time to step back.

Because NOTHING is more precious, more important, than the eternal destination of YOUR soul.

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